T is...for Tips for Toddler Tantrums

Aka, the Terrible Two's and Tantrums and Tears and Teeny Fists Beating Angrily Against You.

Even people who don't have kids know about the terrible twos.

"Oh no, is he in the terrible twos?!"

Literally I think I was about eight years old when I first heard this phrase. I feared this particular moment of future child rearing at the same time/age I feared the floor turning into lava and watermelon seeds growing into watermelons in my stomach.

Here I am with a two year old and I want to say this:

IT IS NOT THAT BAD.

Certainly not as bad as a living room covered with lava.

And certainly not as bad as the upcoming teenage years which I fear like nothing else because KARMA and I was an awful teen.

Toddlers are essentially teenagers.

Like teens, they are torn between two stages: one of more and one of less maturity. They are growing like weeds in the middle of the night and far, far, far more aware of things than they can express. They are constantly denied things they want for reasons that seem arbitrary, and sometimes they just need a nap.

Being a teen is hard. We know that because we went through it and remember it.

But being a toddler might be harder? No one knows because toddlers barely remember anything. Also they are irrational crazypants lunatics.

DUDE. Today Archer showed me his popsicle, told me it was yummy, asked me if I wanted to try it, and then handed it to me and said "Try it! Its really yummy! TRY IT!"

THE INSTANT I TRIED IT HE CRIED THAT MOMMY ATE HIS POPSICLE AND TOLD ME TO PUT BACK WHATEVER I HAD LICKED BACK ON THE POPSICLE. HE CRIED FOR TEN MINUTES.

SO HERE IS WHAT I DID:

1. Acknowledge Feelings Calmly

When someone tells you to do something and you do it and they respond by sobbing uncontrollably for 10 minutes, you want to react by:

a) yelling

b) laughing

c) crying and laughing and yelling

Instead, continue to speak in a normal tone as if this is all fine and no sweat of your way too cool mama back. Acknowledge, calmly, that they are upset, and why.

"Uh oh! You are upset that I ate some of your popsicle."

Super steady voice, as if I am speaking with Hannibal Lecter, trying very hard to get him to match my volume and tempo rather than allowing him to provoke me enough to match his.

2. Seek Solutions

Again, this is a made up problem of nothing about a fraction of popsicle.

But who are we to judge? I get pissy when my Birchbox is a day late.

So we say a lot of "Use your words" as a mantra. We are a Daniel Tiger watching family.

And we ask "what next?"

Not, "here, buddy, let me get you another of whatever you just lost" because the Mini-Frozen Elsa and Anna Popsicles are only like 48 in a box and we could eat them in one tantrum sesh, easy.

Instead: "Okay. You are mad about your popsicle. Do you want to eat the rest of it anyway?"

Anything to move past the broken heart stage.

3. Set Boundaries

Soon as he starts hitting or throwing, he's in timeout.

While we are still talking through our feelings and emotions and all that mushy stuff, my motivation is to make him feel like there are ways besides violence to make himself feel better and to help him understand why he's upset.

But if he stops using words and starts pushing, shoving, throwing, or hitting, well, he weighs 30 something pounds. I can haul him in and out of the house along with a gallon of milk, a diaper bag, and three pounds of mandarin oranges. He will get his bum in time out. This is one great advantage of parenting through terrible two's over teenage years.

Time out for us is a minute against the wall and we check in. If he's still heaving heavy, theres's another minute.

We will tolerate any and all words (any and all words are very easy to tolerate right now because he thinks "You're a BAD boy" and "Toot" are the height of insults) but no physical harm. That's the boundary in our house, so set yours as you see fit and then stick with it. He KNOWS hitting is bad, and when he's doing it you can see he KNOWS.

4. Check for Vitals

In the great popsicle debacle of 2017, Archer was mainly tired. It was a hot day, it was evening after we'd had dinner, and it was getting darker earlier. He was hot, sleepy, and needed to lay down.

SOOOO OFTEN we go through temper tantrum steps 1-3 only to solve them with string cheese cause he was mainly hungry. Or he was feeling lonely and needed more attention, and a good hug was the solution.

Checking for symptoms other than the tantrum itself is usually pretty revealing, even if I don't figure it out right away.

5. Use Empathy

Like the angst of teenage years, toddlerhood is hard and weird. My toddler always says things like "I'm still just little, right?" and expresses confusion about ages. He adores babies and worships school age kids and recognizes that he's neither. He wants to play and be with his friends, but he also wants cuddles and protection.

For every tantrum that comes out randomly and out of nowhere, there are so many more brewing in their little growing heads. Sometimes the popsicle, random as it was, is just a symptom of "I feel like I'm not in control of anything like the passage of time. my existential angst, my popsicles"and so it comes out weird. It comes out as just "popsicle" maybe.

So we try not to laugh even though its funny and cute, and try not to yell even when its frustrating and illogical, and try not to cry even when you are MORE TIRED AND HUNGRY than the little toot, because he's just trying to sort it all out, just as we all are.

#toddlers #tantrums #tips #danieltiger